The pain I experienced had only been trumped by one other event, the loss of my mother only a month after I graduated from college. This was a searing, burning pain both physically and emotionally. It rocked me to my core and I couldn't find the words to adequately express my horror and shock. As if that loss wasn't enough to handle, a sweet friend at church passed away as a result of a motorist striking her on her motorcycle. It was so sudden and I was quite raw and reeling from my own loss just a few weeks prior. To add insult to injury, the day after her passing, a reminder popped up in my phone for the pregnancy confirmation visit at the OB/GYN office. Yeah, I was in quite the doldrums.
Somehow, in the middle of what seemed be some of the darkest days I have walked through, I felt a closeness to God that I hadn't before. It was a if He reached down and covered me in a little bubble so that My grief could only spill over so far. I had my two sons to take care of and they didn't understand the maze of emotions I was trying to navigate. They smiled a little more than normal, allowed me to rest a little more than normal, and weren't as impatient as before. I took time to cry, but the everyday eventually stole my time to thoroughly process the space I found myself in.
The days and weeks passed, and my sweet husband was such a rock for me at this time. I still don't know how he walked through this journey and made peace with it - the whole thing felt like an out of body experience, like I was watching a poor, unsuspecting character wading through her plot on the silver screen. One thing I knew, I definitely wanted the pain to end.
December brought the holidays and a trip to Atlanta to spend time with family. I had secretly hoped that I would become pregnant again, but nothing. Just more pain and loss. There was an emptiness that sat with me throughout my day and well into the night. The fellowship with loved ones helped me to shift my focus and we had a huge celebration for which to plan - my sister-in-law was getting married in Mexico the following October! This was a great distraction for me, as I was planning on finally shedding all that baby fat from the first two pregnancies (ahem, ahem) and finding my way into a figure flattering bathing suit. I made my plans, and dreamed of happier days. However, as I made those plans, God had already had his plans in motion.
The forgetfulness that the holidays brought faded as the new year rolled in, and we received a text from my sister-in-law that changed everything. She had received word that a good friend of hers was pregnant and wouldn't be able to attend the wedding. She warned us all to keep our hands to ourselves so we would be able to enjoy the festivities in a few month's time. As you and I have probable heard on more than one occasion, plans are meant to be changed. And boy were we in for some life-changing plans.
Keep an eye out for part three, the conclusion of the matter lol. I'm praying you, like me, will see the hand of God at work in my story in hindsight. He has and is always helping me to trust His heart when I can't trace His hand.
From My Believing Heart to Yours,